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If you're going to America, bring your own food.

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I prefer dead writers because you don't run into them at parties.

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If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.

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If you are truly serious abut preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract teach him to deduct.

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Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.

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You can't go around hoping that most people have sterling moral characters. The most you can hope for is that people will pretend that they do.