Johnny Carson Quotes

If life was fair Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio din...

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unle...

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

I know a man who gave up smoking drinking sex and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time ...

For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day h...

Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself,...

In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

Just be yourself -- it's the only way it can work.

For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.