Fred Allen Quotes

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back...

My agent gets 10 percent of everything I get except the blinding headaches.

An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.

I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.

The American arrives in Paris with a few French phrases he has culled from a conversational guide or...

(A gentleman) is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.

The first Sunday I sang in the church choir two hundred people changed their religion.

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six stran...

All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.

I have just returned from Boston it is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there.

We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to s...

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for movie stars.

Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and a...

I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.

a group of people who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done

It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips.

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark g...

Advertising is 85% confusion and 15% commission.

California is a fine place to live, if you happen to be an orange.

The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed.

She used to be a schoolteacher but she has no class now.

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children - except in self-defense.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

The first time I sang in the church choir two hundred people changed their religion.

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats then we go to church on Sunday and...

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

All I know about humour is that I don't know anything about it.