Robert Orben Quotes

I don't want to say anything about my kids . . . but I go to PTA meetings under an assumed name!

A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed...

Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards...

Planned obsolescence isn't a new idea - God always used it with people.

There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

I had a terrible fight with my wife on New Year's Eve. She called me a procrastinator. So I finished...

Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is...

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In mod...

We're supposed to take our problems to a family adviser. Personally I've never met a family adviser...

Time flies. It's up to you to be the navigator.

My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about ...

Have you noticed when you go on a diet the first thing you lose is your temper.

I remember when humor was gentle pokes. I used to call it 'arm around the shoulder' humor. Now they ...

What if the meek inherited the Earth and we had to defend ourselves from Martians?

New Yorkers are so impersonal if it wasn't for muggings there wouldn't be any contact at all!

I take my children everywhere but they always find their way back home.

I don't see why religion and science can't get along. What's wrong with counting our blessings with ...

President Ford used humor a great deal.

Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not...

It's amazing how important your job is when you want the day off - and how unimportant it is when yo...

Did you ever see that painting the Mona Lisa. It always reminds me of a reporter listening to a poli...

I may be forty but every morning when I get up I feel like a twenty-year-old. Unfortunately there...

Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.

Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal? Now, chocol...

"Wait'll next year!" is the favorite cry of baseball fans football fans hockey fans and gardeners...

It's an awful thing to grow old by yourself. My wife hasn't had a birthday in seven years.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not the...

Humor starts like a wildfire, but then continues on, smoldering, smoldering for years.

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.

I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Whi...

A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed...

To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Time flies. It’s up to you to be the navigator.

Most people want to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.

Quit worrying about your health. It will go away.

Cheap? If he was at the Last Supper he would have asked for separate checks!

Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not...

Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were ...

I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.