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I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

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You gotta look out for number one, but don't step in number two!

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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

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Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a ...more

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I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

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I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

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I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.