Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody ...

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever ha...

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wi...

You gotta look out for number one, but don't step in number two!

If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everythin...

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professio...

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know...

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

Life's a short trip. You'll find out.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming ho...

I haven't spoken to my wife in years-I didn't want to interrupt her.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or yo...

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far I had a good day. I got a dial...

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put...

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he want...

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that s...

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still...

I'm at the age when food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact I've just had a mirror put ...

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.