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My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

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I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

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You gotta look out for number one, but don't step in number two!

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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

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It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

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With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

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When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back

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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

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I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.