Rita Rudner Quotes

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much bet...

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how ri...

Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.

Most of the men sitting in first class on an airplane have really boring jobs.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bo...

Men will now get up and walk with the baby in the middle of the night change its diapers and give ...

It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

Men forget everything women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They'...

All men look at Dr. Ruth and wonder how she has gained all that sexual experience.

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

Men in high levels of government seldom surf.

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a wo...

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.

Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'

I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive a...

My father watched football with the sound off because he lived in fear of hearing the voice of Howar...

I had the most boring office job in the world...I used to clean the windows on envelopes.

Men are very confident people. Even a sixty-year-old man with no arms thinks he could play in the Su...

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits ...

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel bette...

I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.

There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my pers...

Men who drink herbal teas are seldom serial killers.

Have children while your parents are still young enough to take care of them.

To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, a...

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

If you like easygoing monogamous men stay away from billionaires.

Stand-up is my favorite thing I've ever done. There's so much independence.

Men like cars women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bo...

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest o...

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 ...

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.

I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides...

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our ...

Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

Her idea of a romantic setting is one that has a diamond in it. If you feel the need to marry a doct...

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought je...

Most men are secretly still mad at their mothers for throwing away their comic books. They would be ...