Henny Youngman Quotes

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman, comedian and violinist (190...

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad but New York City?

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week...

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift ...

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little a...

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.

Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

I wanted to become an atheist but I gave it up. They have no holidays.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.

I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward.

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

You can't buy love but you can pay heavily for it.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.