Bill Watterson Quotes

Reality continues to ruin my life.

Calvin: Why are you crying mom?Mom: I'm cutting up an onion.Calvin: It must be hard to cook if you a...

Isn't it sad how some people's grip on their lives is so precarious that they'll embrace any prepost...

Hello Dad! It is now three in the morning. Do you know where I am?

Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to ...

HOBBES:If you don't get a goodnight kiss you get Kafka dreams.

Why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous?

Until you stalk and overrun, you cannot devour anyone.-Hobbes

I hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point.

The secret to enjoying your job is to have a hobby that's even worse

Calvin: Dear Santa, before I submit life to your scrutiny, I demand to know who made YOU the matter ...

Some people are pragmatists, taking things as they come and making the best of the choices available...

If good things lasted forever, would we appreciate how precious they are?

When a person pauses in mid-sentence to choose a word, that's the best time to jump in and change th...

I don't think I'd have been in such a hurry to reach adulthood if I'd known the whole thing was goin...

[Calvin and Hobbes are playing Scrabble.] Calvin: Ha! I've got a great word and it's on a "Double wo...

Maybe we can eventually make language a complete impediment to understanding.

BE CAREFUL, OR BE ROADKILL!

History is the fiction we invent to persuade ourselves that events are knowable and that life has or...

Dad, how do soldiers killing each other solve the world's problems?

Calvin:"It says here that 'religion is the opiate of the masses.'...what do you suppose that means?"...

Hey Susie Derkins, is that your face, or is a 'possum stuck in your collar?

In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.

Calvin: As you can see, I have memorized this utterly useless piece of information long enough to pa...

You know, maybe we don't need enemies.""Yeah, best friends aree about all I can take.

There are few things less comforting than a tiger who's been up too late.

I'm a misunderstood genius.""What's misunderstood?""Nobody thinks I'm a genius.

Shutting off the thought process is not rejuvenating the mind is like a car battery - it recharges b...

CALVIN:Our hero regains consciousness at the feet of a sarcastic alien.

[Calvin, who has the chicken pox, calls Susie on the telephone.] Susie: Hello? Calvin: Hi, Susie! It...

In the short term, it would make me happy to go play outside. In the long term, it would make me hap...

I like maxims that don't encourage behavior modification.-Calvin

Hobbes: Do you think there's a God?Calvin: Well, somebody's out to get me!

I wish I had more friends, but people are such jerks. If you can just get most people to leave you a...

I think hiccup cures were really invented for the amusement of the patient's friends.

The purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure poor reasoning and inhibit clarity.

We're so busy watching out for what's just ahead of us that we don't take time to enjoy where we are...

You know, sometimes the world seems like a pretty mean place.' 'That's why animals are so soft and h...

I'm not a vegetarian! I'm a dessertarian!

Calvin: The more you know, the harder it is to take decisive action. Once you are informed, you star...

Happiness is being famous for your financial ability to indulge in every kind of excess.

I go to school, but I never learn what I want to know.

If you can't control your peanut butter, you can't expect to control your life.

But Calvin is no kind and loving god! He's one of the old gods! He demands sacrifice!

Rainy days should be spent at home with a cup of tea and a good book.

If you can't win by reason, go for volume.

Ms. Wormwood: Calvin, can you tell us what Lewis and Clark did? Calvin: No, but I can recite the sec...

The problem with the future is that it keeps turning into the present.

When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.

Hold it. You know what I'd like to see? I'd like to see the three bears eat the three little pigs, a...

I say if a novelty Christmas song is funny one time, then it is funny every time. - Calvin

From now on, I'm not doing anything I don't want to do! The world owes me happiness, fulfillment and...

You can present the material, but you can't make me care.

They say the world is a stage. But obviously the play is unrehearsed and everybody is ad-libbing his...

It seems like once people grow up, they have no idea what's cool.

Talking with you is sort of the conversational equivalent of an out of body experience.

CALVIN:This whole Santa Claus thing just doesn't make sense. Why all the secrecy? Why all the myster...

At school, new ideas are thrust at you every day. Out in the world, you'll have to find your inner m...

I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long.

Calvin : There's no problem so awful, that you can't add some guilt to it and make it even worse.

HOBBES:Virtue needs some cheaper thrills.

That's the whole problem with science. You've got a bunch of empiricists trying to describe things o...

Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster th...

Hobbes: Jump! Jump! Jump! I win! Calvin: You win? Aaugghh! You won last time! I hate it when you win...

Life is full of surprises, but never when you need one.

CALVIN:As usual goodness hardly puts up a fight.

I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to...

If your knees aren't green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life.

As you can see, I have memorized this utterly useless piece of information long enough to pass a tes...

That's one of the remarkable things about life. It's never so bad that it can't get worse.

You can make your superhero a psychopath, you can draw gut-splattering violence, and you can call it...

I liked things better when I didn't understand them.

Things are never quite as scary when you've got a best friend.

Did you ever wonder if the person in the puddle is real, and you're just a reflection of him?

How come we play war and not peace?""Too few role models.

Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.

That's the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn't good enough for me! I de...

Some days you get up and you already know that things aren't going to go well. They're the type of d...

Cigars are all the rage, dad. You should smoke cigars!" - Calvin"Flatulence could be all the rage, b...

Yakka foob mog. Grug pubbawup zink wattoom gazork. Chumble spuzz. I love loopholes.

We don't value craftsmanship anymore! All we value is ruthless efficiency, and I say we deny our own...

On gray days, when it's snowing or raining, I think you should be able to call up a judge and take a...

Nowadays, ads don't just sell a product. They sell an attitude! Look at this one! Here's a cool guy ...

I'm a 21st-century kid trapped in a 19th-century family.

Susie: Hi Calvin! Aren't you excited about going to school? Look at all these great school supplies ...

I won't eat any cereal that doesn't turn the milk purple.

Creating a life that reflects your values and satisfies your soul is a rare achievement. In a cultur...

Specifically, I’d like to debate whether cannibalism ought to be grounds for leniency in murders, si...

Mothers are the necessity of invention.

You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocket ship underpants don't help.

CALVIN:When I grow up I want to be an inventor. First I will invent a time machine. Then I'll come b...

You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go.

I wish people were more like animals. Animals don't try to change you or make you fit in. They just ...

As far as I'm concerned, if something is so complicated that you can't explain it in 10 seconds, the...

Now what state do you live in?''Denial.

Genius is never understood in its own time.

The world isn't fair, Calvin.""I know Dad, but why isn't it ever unfair in my favor?

To invent your own life's meaning is not easy, but it's still allowed, and I think you'll be happier...

I wonder if you can refuse to inherit the world.

I have all these great genes, but they're recessive. That's the problem here.