W. C. Fields Quotes

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live...

No doubt exists that all women are crazy it's only a question of degree.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I never worry about being driven to drink I just worry about being driven home.

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool abou...

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake - which I also keep handy.

It was a woman who drove me to drink - and you know I never even thanked her.

I like children - fried.

Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.

We frequently hear of people dying from too much drinking. That this happens is a matter of record. ...

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.

IF A THING IS WORTH HAVING, ITS WORTH CHEATING FOR.

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what ...

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.

I exercise self-control and never touch any beverage stronger than gin before breakfast.

No man is boss in his own home but he can make up for it by making a dog play dead.

If at first you don't succeed try try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it...

Once during Prohibition I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.

I never worry about being driven to drink I just worry about being driven home.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank h...

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

I like children. If they're properly cooked.

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.

I was in love with a beautiful blond once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted ...

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I'm free of all prejudices. I hate all people equally.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

It was a woman who drove me to drink - and you know I never even thanked her.

Women are like elephants. They are interesting to look at but I wouldn't like to own one.

When asked to borrow money: "I'll see what my lawyer says. . . . And if he says yes I'll get anothe...